Mired in a horrible slump, the Cubs are willing to try anything to win--by anything I suppose they mean swapping Ronny Cedeno and Juan Pierre in the order, and calling up any minor-league pitcher that has the same goatee as Kerry Wood.

As bad as it has been, things seem to be peach-flavored in the dugout, with nary an eyelash being batted by the Skipper. So sayeth Dusty, re: his total lack of any semblance of emotion during the slide:

"When things get real tough, I tend to hold more things inside, and maybe that's why I've been on hypertension medicine since I was 19-years-old. You've got to take care of your own health, too. I show emotion, big time."

You hear that Jim Hendry? Get your boy that contract extension, and throw in the Medicare D plan, duke! Sunflower seeds and anti-inflammatories are the key! Dusty's still wearing those armbands in mourning over Joe Boro being gone, man! Italian funerals in that dugout.

The only one showing any sort of heart has been Michael Barrett, who tried to get a little pugilistic with Dave Roberts of the Padres, and then threw Dusty under the bus when questioned about it after the game. Note to Skip: what do you expect when you said yourself that you don't talk to your staff during the offseason? Invest in a Nextel two-way sucker! Do you want to see the only guy who gives a shit wearing Pirates yellow in August?